Dealing with ambiguity

I don’t like the method but I like the result

One of the challenges of coaching is learning to work with people who have different beliefs than you do. You are not there to proselytise. You are not a missionary and must allow others to take different positions. As a coach you are there to help the client come to his own conclusions and certainly not to say ‘If I were you …..” and impose your own view built on your own opinion.

Being an ‘expert’ without knowledge is prevalent with many social media users. But in reality the only right to have an opinion is to get the knowledge to form that opinion without resorting to only the media which confirm your beliefs. If you don’t have that knowledge be brave enough to say “I don’t have an opinion” And reserve the right not to spend your time forming your view.

Individual vs Group

In Western society, based on individualism, it can be difficult to recognise that your client believes that the group (whether it be race,religion, political party, country,) is more important than the individual and that conformity is more important than your individual need. In Edith Wharton’s novels about late 19th century America, keeping up appearances was all that mattered and if you did not follow the conventions retribution and exclusion were swift.

Is it the same today? In many societies yes, but the conventions change, and it is no benefit publicly regretting that hitting children is no longer acceptable. There was a time in the UK when politicians kept their affairs in secret, like John Major’s affair with a member of his cabinet , and scandals such as Jeremy Thorpe and Profumo could topple the mighty. Nowadays a Prime Minister can live with his lover and have children in the Prime Ministerial house in Downing Street. Society has changed, and so it should no longer be acceptable to promote hitting children on the grounds that it ‘never did me any harm’, though to many still living with values from a previous era, it still is.

Challenges to long-held beliefs

So much in the news in recent weeks has been a challenge to beliefs some have held dearly for so long. So the questions to ask yourself are:
• Were you own cherished beliefs challenged ?
• When was the last time you reviewed your beliefs and values?
• Have you still got the beliefs and values you were brought up with? The same ones as your mother or priest taught you? And if so, do you know why? (I never thought about it is not a good answer)
• Do you have the same view of history as taught to you in the schools – the winner’s version of history?
• Are you prepared to accept that you were brainwashed in school and look at different perspectives?

As a coach you need to know what your beliefs are in order to recognise whether your client has beliefs you cannot deal with. And to know when to quit.

I don’t like the method but I like the result

Times and collective opinion change. In Bristol in the UK, the symbolic casting of the statue of slave trader Colston in the harbour brought more results than forty years of just talking about it. In US and the world the Black Lives Matter protests have more effect than forty years of putting up with it. And so you have the ambiguity – you might like the result but not the method.
Public opinion has shifted, and UK has yet anther topic to be radically divided on. And as an individual (rather than a coach) you are going to have to have an opinion and perhaps stand up for it. So better build that opinion on knowledge, and learn to defend your stance and realise that it’s OK to have your views which are different from others and indeed to have your own internal conflicting views.

Dealing with ambiguity is a sign of maturity many people just do not get to. Can you?

by David Rigby, Smart Coaching & Training 2020